Feeling Broken!!!!

I am hurting ya'll. I feel kinda broken, scared and alone. The worst part, I feel like I and only I can get through this. I been through a lot lately and it just is breaking me down. I am sooo vulnerable and emotional and I don't feel great in this space. I was in a relationship that really put a mirror to my face and I almost screamed at the reflection. I mean this guy doesn't let me get away with anything but I hate the fact that he can get away with murder. Then he wants to act as though he is my daddy as well which is not cool. I mean there were many good things about the relationship but I also feel the relationship was breaking me down because of the constant critiques and also the constant negativity over nothing.

It was just creating more stress in my life that I need at this point honestly.

At times I feel he wants to just control me and wants me to listen to him and only him as if nothing and no one else matters. Calling what other people have to say dismissive. But isn't him calling someone else' comment dismissive dismissing what they have to say all together??? We had dinner recently and he told me that I really don't like to hear the truth. To that I say what is the truth really but a personal opinion? I mean I could see if you are talking about an event but if you are making an assessment that is your opinion NOT an actual truth. I wonder why he doesn't seem to understand that at all. The hardest part is i feel that he gave up on us. I mean we had a couple of disagreements and that was it he wanted out. Also, I feel like he never really listened to what I have to say. I mean I felt like he was always battling me instead of hearing what I really had to say. I always listen to him and try to process what he says but he always wants to have a comeback for everything I say as if he is flawless which no human is at all.

I am broken because he feels I took him for granted and didn't care about him which is sooo not the case. But i am mainly sad because for the first time in my life I feel I MUST be alone because I am going through a period which only i can go through and come out of and I realize I need to be single. Like completely single. I mean only I can help myself. I am currently enrolled in a class that I feel dumb in because it is in a different language.

And sometimes I feel like I am not going to make it and I feel I am not strong enough to make it. But I just have to keep pushing you know, just have to keep pushing. Hoping to rise above it all you know.

*uck YOUUUUUUUU!!!

Seeing as this song has received much play over the past few months, is a hit and even garnered several Grammy nominations (which really in all honesty shocked me) I wanted to touch on this mindset that this song plays to and how society is being shaped to think this way.

It was brought to my attention in a recent conversation between a friend and I; that we as people are starting to take other people for granted. This was an interesting theory to me because if we look closely that is where everything has been headed for years, but it looks like all of the messages we have seen are finally coming to a head. Beyonce came out with irreplaceable the #1 SMASH where she basically tells her man to get gone because she knows she easily go out and get someone else without a problem.

Then her husband Jay came out with the street anthem on to the next. A song in which he describes after he has had his way then it is on to the next best thing. Teaching people to just get what they want from someone or something and then simply move on after they themselves are satisfied.

Now we have the anthem of many in Fuck You which is basically telling off an individual someone (Cee-lo) one had genuine feelings for to Fuck off just because that person did not return the favor.

I observe this type of behavior all the time on the streets between men and women. The men are clearly interested and will try to holla or talk to a young lady, then when the female doesn't respond favorably the man flips completely out and calls her all types of names. In my personal opinion this is because the man's pride is hurt and he wants to save face and not make it seem like his feelings are hurt.

It sparks a mindset between people and especially teens that people have no worth and that they are disposable when they clearly are not. I mean people are not toys that you can just discard of when you are tired of dealing with them. People in most ways are extremely complex and worth getting to know in some way. We are the most complex individuals on the face of the planet. I believe this is one of the key reasons relationships tend to fall apart now. People are so willing to move on to the next best thing instead of appreicating what is in front of them. Where did this twisted logic of people being replaceable come from?

What happened to the songs that were about loyalty and honesty. Where are the songs about monogamy and settling down??? There are none. I find this extremely interesting because everyone knows that music can change or even shape the way we ask humans are feeling at times. So why do our mainstream hit records have such underhanded messages attached to them. And why are all or most of the songs with positive or dare I say it inspirational messages shelved and hardly ever played on Top 40 radio????

I guess it is just an on to the next society that we live in.

Leaving

So if someone is clearly not feeling you please move on. I mean it is a hard thing to do but we must move on. I mean it hurts so much because all you want that person to do is simply love/ or feel the way we do. But a lot of times that doesn't happen. Usually there is one person that is heavily into the relationship and the other is half way there.

Instead of this person being upfront about things and expressing how they truly feel, they stay for the convenient of the relationship until something more new and shiner comes along. I feel that we as humans have a natural defense mechanism against being alone. This tends to happen more often with people who have been hurt a great deal emotionally in the past.

Because of this we tend to stay in these relationships while being unfulfilled and hurt others. Please stop doing this and stay true to yourselves. If he treats you like trash and you know it. LEAVE!!!! You deserve better. You might be alone for a while but trust me you;ll thank yourself for this in the long run.

Taking Care

I feel it is soooo extremely important in this life for one to take care of themselves. I mean it's essential. The reason I feel this way or express this notion is because everyone else takes care of themselves before they think of you, so FUCK it!!!!!! Look out for you.

Now don't get me wrong this doesn't mean you need to go out and not give a damn about others feelings and/or ego's but make sure you're not putting yourself last in any equations. Some of us in this world are givers, others are takers. And while it is a good deed to give, that doesn't mean you are to give your last to someone else or put yourself in a situation where you are always the giver. It would be wise to learn this extremely important lesson from this post. I know some won't and they will be forced to learn the hard way but all in all heed my warnings.

Taking care of yourself is a very good thing. Some people have a notion that actually catering to yourself is a negative or selfish thing. I used to be one of these people but now my outlook on things has changed dramatically. No one is really looking out for you in this world but you. You and only you, and the sooner you digest that, the better.

Random#3

I know, it's been a while guys!!!!


It's funny how life has to take you through certain things in order to make you understand how this life works. From birth we sled into earth thinking we have the answers to life even though it is just something we live. Why do we then think we can control it in a certain way and then cry when the unexpexted happens? Have goals have aspirations, but don't be too disappointed when all cannot come true in a day. Keep them in mind and finish them later. :)